


I Put a Spell On You

by someoriginalusername



Category: The Sinner (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Episode: s03e03, M/M, Missing Scene, that hand stabbing scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23372512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someoriginalusername/pseuds/someoriginalusername
Summary: Nick was a wildfire, a radiant example of destruction that existed as the closest piece of evidence to there being a higher power in charge. He was breathtaking. A sheer natural disaster of a man that, when you got caught up in his intoxicating flames, left you scorched with burns that would follow you for the rest of your life.And by god, did Jamie miss him more than anything else the world.
Relationships: Jamie Burns/Nick Haas
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	I Put a Spell On You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [muse_apollo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/muse_apollo/gifts).



Jamie had become so accustomed to loneliness, he considered it a companion. Not that he enjoyed it; of course he didn't. It ate at him, every day he would wake up to the same old routine, living as if in a daze, knowing people were able to look at him without actually being able to see him. He considered it an acquaintance- a constant in his life. Like a neighbor who greeted you daily as you left the house. Someone who was a part of your life, whether you liked it or not. You wake up, get dressed, kiss your wife, leave the house and immediately greet the fact that no one in your life truly knows you. 

On the days that it really grated on Jamie, he'd come to think of it as a warm presence in his life; his only friend. It was an all consuming friendship that was so stable and fixed that the familiarity of it almost soothed him. However, it was a friendship that, in order to keep the bond as strong as it is, must stay a secret. Therefore, he had to play a role. To be familiar with such a loneliness, to maintain the deep connection, one had to be acclimated with living life as a performance; one so multifaceted and complex that no one would be able to catch onto the indestructible bond between him and his friend. Really, he would be able to give the Academy a run for their money.

Everyone in his life adored the performances he put on for them. He was a husband, a soon-to-be father, a teacher, and an empty void who had only experienced true, human connection once in his life, years ago. He was a three dimensional character in the story of his life. Every now and then, he would muse on how he is a character that he would love his students to analyze. The story of his life would be a fantastic unit to teach in an English class. The papers they would write on him would truly be something to behold.

However, to maintain such a friendship, to perform such roles daily, was _exhausting_. The type of exhaustion that started as a simple yawn and ended in your bones feeling as if they were weighed down by the intolerable experience of existing. A headache that would last for eighteen years. If he was being honest, it had lasted his whole life; only disappearing briefly in college when he met the only person in his life who ever truly seemed to know him. 

Nick was a wildfire, a radiant example of destruction that existed as the closest piece of evidence to there being a higher power in charge. He was breathtaking. A sheer natural disaster of a man that, when you got caught up in his intoxicating flames, left you scorched with burns that would follow you for the rest of your life.

And by god, did Jamie miss him more than anything else in the world.

He left because he was scared. Scared of Nick, scared of the hold he had on him, scared of the games they played, the way he made him feel as if he was on top of the world only for him to wake up and realize that it wasn't normal. None of it was normal. Life may be one performance after another, but it was not something to be tested. 

Jamie didn't know if something in him was broken or not, because he missed the sheer adrenaline of testing it. Testing god, fate, existence in general. Nick would tell him he was missing the sensation of actually living; that he was asleep, or brainwashed into thinking that this existence of performing was what life should be, when it's not. If Jamie was an actor, then Nick was a scientist. Nick lived life to make discoveries. While Jamie lived to impersonate in order to maintain the status quo, Nick lived to dissect it. He was constantly looking for answers, and if he found none, he would make his own.

Jamie missed him like a victim of drowning would miss the oxygen in their lungs. Where everyone would take Jamie's performances at face value, Nick would dissect it. He would applaud him on maintaining them for as long as he had, but he would get him to unpack it. He would analyze him until he found the real him, the lonely and scared man inside that was desperate for someone to find him. The man that only Nick himself has been able to find since. 

So, Jamie emailed him. He emailed him despite every alarm in his brain going off, telling him not to do it. Nick replied not even 4 hours later, which genuinely shocked him. They exchanged numbers, and Jamie called him. He called, and he would be lying if he said hearing the other man's deep, soft voice wasn't like taking a breath of fresh air after drowning for years. 

Jamie had been lost for 18 years, and Nick was his saving grace.

* * *

Almost immediately after Jamie called him, he regretted it. He left for a reason. He hadn't spoken to him for years for a _reason_. Nick was bad news, an itch he should never scratch. As much as he was enticing, he was dangerous. He made him yearn for things he should never yearn for. That was why he hadn't spoken to him in nearly two decades. Yes, the life he was living was boring at best and degrading at worst, but compared to the unadulterated fear Nick instilled in him, it was comfortable.

Jamie wasn't scared of Nick himself, he had on more than one occasion proved that he would never intentionally harm Jamie, unless the game said so. Even then, it was fate’s decision, not his. Jamie had an inkling that if fate even chose him, Nick wouldn’t do it. Or, he would do whatever he did do to himself as well, because they were both unable to live without each other. They have lived the past 18 years without contact, yes, but with the knowledge that they were both still there, just a call away.

Howver, Jamie was scared of the man he became when he was with Nick. He would always lose all inhibition and become enraptured in him. He would follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked him to. Jamie knew that Nick knew this, which is why he clung to him. Nick wanted to rid him of this fear, free him from it, help him to open his eyes and really start living. Which is exactly why Jamie kept crawling back to him.

So, Jamie had called him and told him to meet him at a pub in Manhattan, some place he had only been once or twice. Jamie never expected him to actually show up. If anything, he had hoped he wouldn’t. It was what he deserved, after Jamie left him and disappeared.

He didn’t know what he would do if Nick did turn up. 

So, of course, he did. Jamie had looked up from the table at the sound of footsteps, and saw him, 18 years older, hair shorter, and just as captivating as the first day he laid eyes on him. Any ounce of nerves he felt before dissipated, just for a single moment, until they all came crashing back at once as Nick approached him. He stood up, not knowing what to do, all thoughts in his mind focused on the soft, brown doe eyes peering up at him with an unreadable emotion. 

God he had _missed_ him. 

They sat and talked, and Jamie didn’t know what to expect, especially after such a long time, but Nick had not changed. Not much. He was no longer the young, edgy student that Jamie had remembered him to be, but he still looked good. Clean and neat, like he finally had discovered the breakthrough he was so desperately searching for in school. He was still the sardonic asshole that Jamie remembered, just grown up. Jamie briefly wondered what he looked like to Nick.

The small talk lasted for barely a minute, as Nick was never one for such pleasantries. He always got to the point, no matter how hard the sting.

_“Phones, emails, that’s no way to communicate. But when someone reaches out after 18 years? After totally cutting you out… You want to look them in the eye while they try to explain themselves.”_

Jamie could understand that, but it still hurt. He was the one who left, abruptly, and shut him out of his life entirely. He had been too weak, too afraid of Nick and what they were on the verge of discovering together. He couldn’t take the pressure, so he left in the middle of the term. Not a goodbye, or a phone number to contact him with. He ran away, as far as he could. Now, years later, he longed for what he missed out on.

Therefore, he invited him to dinner. Sabbiato, Manhattan’s newest and most expensive restaurant. Jamie had no idea why he chose that place of all restaurants, but Nick agreed to go. Never in a thousand years could he imagine Nick sitting in a place like that, surrounded by dozens of people who, no doubt, Nick had considered to be mindless drones. Yet, they both sat and ordered food. This time, their meeting was more pleasant. Nick began talking about his life after Jamie left, and although it was great to hear how well he was doing, it stung to hear how much his disappearing act hurt him. Nick appeased him, though, after he attempted to apologize. He was never one to accept pity, and he genuinely seemed as though he did not want Jamie to beat himself up over it. 

It was going as well as he could hope until Nick finally asked him; " _Why did you call me? Why now?_ ” And Jamie's breathe caught in his throat.

Nick questioned his marriage, and when Jamie began to refute his questioning by defending his lifestyle, he shut him down. Nick was always able to read him, always able to smell the bullshit. So, with all of the honesty he could muster, taking from the numbness that accompanied his performances, he said; “ _I don’t feel anything anymore._ ”

Just like that, the ten tonne weight that had been getting harder to carry on his shoulders every year since leaving Nick had disappeared as if it had never existed. Nick only smiled, that cold, clinical smile that meant Jamie wouldn't like what happened next.

“Then we do it again.”

Jamie’s heart dropped. He knew he would say that, and once again he was questioning why he even reached out to him in the first place. They began to argue, Jamie telling him their games were too crazy and intense, leading Nick to finally ask the question on both of their minds, “ _then why the fuck am I here?”_

Jamie paused, before saying that calling him may have been a mistake. He immediately regretted it. He watched as the flash of hurt in Nick’s eyes quickly turned to anger, and he gave yet another cold grin before he got up. 

“ _Fuck you_.”

Jamie called out to him, but it fell on deaf ears. Nick was on a tirade, and nothing or no one would be able to stop him until he made his point. Jamie watched on as he grabbed the random couple’s phones and dumped them into their drinks. Nick was raving now, and Jamie could not register a word he was saying as he watched on in trepidation. Nick walked back up to their table, and sat down next to him. He picked up a steak knife and forced it into Jamie’s hand, making him grip the handle.

 _"This is real_ ,” Nick said, before slowly forcing Jamie to plunge the steak knife into his hand.

Jamie watched in shocked horror as Nick slowly pushed the blade to the hilt. He looked up at Nick, to see his entire body clenching in pain at the intrusion, but his eyes were fixed on Jamie with a concentration that left him breathless.

As soon as Nick’s grip on his hand loosened, Jamie immediately let go. 

“Oh my god!” he heaved out, watching as Nick folded into himself in pain. He gave Jamie a weak smile, before he turned towards the knife in his hand, and slowly pulled it out. Jamie immediately launched up, banging himself on the table as he scrambled to find clean cloths. He picked up two off the floor that were previously on their laps, and grabbed one of the glasses of water. He grabbed Nick’s wrist, ignoring the hiss of pain as he poured the water over the wound, and immediately wrapped it with a hard knot. He could hear the gasps of horror, and some people yelling as he worked on his friend's hand, but he didn’t care, the only thing that mattered at that moment was Nick. As soon as the wound was covered up, he saw large clumps of red begin to stain the fabric.

He shot up towards the patrons of the restaurant who were watching in shocked fear, and yelled desperately, “somebody call an ambulance!”

He hadn't yet registered that no one would call anyone, as Nick had not only just attacked a random couple, but stabbed himself as well. The realization came when two burly security guards approached them, and kicked them out.

The cold breeze of Manhattan was like a splash of ice water to the face as they were roughly pushed out of the restaurant. Jamie’s chest was still heaving from the adrenaline, and his heart was beating so fast he thought it might explode. He heard a soft, shaky chuckle off to his side, and turned to see that Nick had undone the makeshift bandage, and was gazing at his wound. 

“What the fuck are you _doing_?” Jamie seethed, as he grabbed Nick's wrist, and pried his hand away from it. Luckily, he kept the other cloth in his coat jacket as they were being escorted out. As he began wrapping the new one around the wound, he felt Nick’s intense gaze on him.

“What?” he gritted out as he tied the new knot just as tight as the last.

“I saw the look on your face, you loved it,” Nick said, his voice was unwavering despite clearly being in pain. Jamie scoffed.

“What you saw was me watching in horror as you attacked a random couple, before stabbing yourself in your own fucking hand, ruining our, and everyone else’s, nice dinner.” 

“Fuck them, I was the most interesting part of their entire year, and that’s not what I was talking about. I saw you. I saw your expression. You haven’t felt that alive since I took you to the bridge.” Jamie couldn’t argue with that, because he was right, but he would never admit it. He dropped Nick's hand and turned away. At Jamie’s silence, he continued.

“That was _it_ , Jamie. That rush of blood to the head, your heart beating as if you’ve just missed a step on the stairs— that is exactly what I was talking about. That’s what it feels to be alive. Truly alive.”

Jamie couldn’t think, his mind was a mess of emotions that were firing out all at once. He hadn't realized that he began to pace back and forth on the sidewalk, so he stopped. He looked into the clear doors of the restaurant, and saw the security guards standing in the foyer of the building, watching them. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. He could still feel the heat of Nick's gaze. After a long moment, he sighed before grabbing Nick by the wrist of his good arm.

“Come on,” he said, pulling him away from the steps of Sabbiato.

“Where are we going?” Nick asked, eyes still studying him. 

“I don’t know,” Jamie replied, “anywhere but here.” Nick stopped walking and yanked his wrist away. Jamie turned around, shooting him an incredulous look.

“I’m staying at the hotel here,” Nick said, “on the sixth floor,” he reached into his coat pocket, and pulled out the card to his room.

Jamie raised his brow, “There’s no way in hell they’re going to let us back in, Nick.”

Nick flashed another smile, this time grabbing Jamie by the wrist, “Well it’s a good thing that we have a better place to be, then.”

* * *

Maybe it was the feel of his hand on his skin, or the adrenaline still running through his veins, but when Nick led him up to the roof of the building, he finally let go. He took all of the fear, the anxiety, the voice telling him to run away again and never look back, and he set it aside. This time, he wouldn’t turn away. He knew what he had to do.

As Jamie climbed up to the ledge, Nick began his mantra; “ _here we go round the prickly pear. The prickly pear, the prickly pear. Here we go round the prickly pear, at five o’clock in the morning._ ” As Jamie began second guessing his decision once again, Nick spoke up.

“You miss this. Admit it.”

Jamie looked at the bustling city beneath him, once again feeling like he was at the top of the world. He took a deep breath and admired it in fascination. The same feeling he got when Nick stabbed his hand was quickly returning.

“You couldn't take it last time,” Nick began, “how do I know you won’t bail on me this time?” 

Jamie took another deep breath, “Bring it out.” He heard Nick huff a laugh, and heard the ruffling of a paper as he brought out the fortune teller. Nick began asking him the questions, and Jamie answered mindlessly, eyes never leaving the sight beneath him. He took a breath as he answered the last question, listening in as Nick opened the corner. 

Nick took a second, before he huffed out a laugh, “Seems like tonight is your lucky night.” Jamie finally looked up at him.

Holding the paper up, with a look that Jamie could only describe as hubris, Nick showed that the arrow was pointing behind them. Nick winked at him, reminding Jamie of when they were in college, before turning around and hoping off the ledge, onto the roof.

Jamie let out a sigh of relief, and looked back down at the city. He couldn’t tell how long he was standing there, until he heard Nick from behind him;

“Are you going to just go for it? Because if so, wait 'til I get back to my room so the feds won’t point fingers at me.” Despite his sarcastic tone, Jamie could hear the hint of fear. So, with one last glance at the people underneath, he turned around and took Nick’s offered hand and climbed down. 

He let out a deep breath as his feet hit the ground.

“See? That wasn’t so bad. You did better than last time,” Nick offered, clearly rattled by his silent state, but refusing to say so. 

Jamie looked at Nick, as the other man began to rant about waking up and discovering the truth. He tuned most of it out, only paying attention to his old friend’s face. God, he had one of the nicest mouths he’d ever seen.

He had shut off his brain as soon as they reached the roof, which is why he chooses to believe his next actions were solely the result of the adrenaline rush. 

As Nick continued to talk, Jamie stepped towards him. Likely recognizing the look on his face as he did so, Nick went quiet. Jamie kept moving until he was in his space, looking him over, eyes eventually landing on his mouth. Whatever Nick had been saying must have been not as important as he thought, as his breathing became harsh. Jamie lived for this, it was only during these times that Nick ever showed signs of nervousness.

Slowly, Jamie reached up to cup Nick’s face, the way Nick used to hold him back in school. His eyes followed his throat as Nick swallowed roughly. He had half a mind to push him away, and probably even smack him for what he put him through that night, but it was the sight of Nick, his gorgeous mouth open, waiting, swaying into his warmth, that pushed him to finally close the distance.

Nick met him halfway, like he always had in everything, and gripped him by the waist. There were no fireworks, no grand music that began to play in the background as their lips met, just two old friends from college, reveling in what they had been starving for for the past 18 years. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> idk i wasnt planning on writing them but i was pissed that there were no fics and i just randomly started writing this as soon as i woke up. this is for my lovely boyfriend <3


End file.
